| I long to talk to you, I simply miss our unique friendship, and long for your love.
Why did you leave me?
And now its 1 in the morning again and I am still going through the same thoughts.
Nothing ever really changes..
Why isn't TJC's spring break the same time as everyone els'?
I can't wait to go home.
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| I don't really know where to start right now. It's been so long since I have actually sat down and written in here I kind of feel bad for just picking up and leaving out a whole semester for you to guess about. Things are just crazy and sometimes I have to remind myself to just breathe.
I'm trying to figure out if this whole piano thing is worth it right now. I am not a classical pianist and I am not sure if i ever will be and that scares me. I regret not sticking with it so much, you have no idea. I never regret things, ever. I act as if I only love jazz and that jazz is my big huge passion but it goes so much deeper than that. Jazz only scratches the surface of my feelings towards music and when I hear a really good classical pianist I can't help but with that I could be in their place. You'd think it would push me to be just like them right. Well it does, it does just that. And I work and work and work and I fail and I don't understand. Am I that bad at music or is it just my practicing habits that need to be changed?
All I know is that this semester feels very different and I believe that if I practice correctly I will go far and hopefully impress them big time at my jury. But then things like pulled tendons happen and I'm out of playing for 3 days. I don't know what to think of that. It's so easy to get stressed out.
I was at a breaking point last week, and I pretty much did break. I cant even explain how horrible my lesson with Dr.G went, she was not happy at all and I felt even worse because I can't even freaking sit right at the damn piano. WTF??
I called you right after all of that happened, I miss you, it's hard to not have you there for me every day how am I ever going to not live at-least down the street from you? You asked me if I wanted to go home, take this semester off, you don't even know how tempted I was to just say yes and pack up right then and there and leave. But I have too many responsibilities here, and I told you that. And your right, I need to get rid of some of them. And I think not even trying to deal with some things is a very good idea.
It's just so easy to build up a huge list of things to do and take care of.
And I'ts just so easy to not care about yall.
You hurt me and you don't even seem to care what-so-ever. So I'm done. I'm simply done. Not just with you but with all three of you. No more you hurting me and I sit there and take it and forgive and forgive and forgive, nope, I can't let myself do that anymore. If you want to make amends thats fine but in no way can I ever trust you the way that I used to.
And I want to go on but getting worked up over all of my other problems just doesn't seem worth it right now. Plus I am starting to feel bad because I come off as thinking that my life is so horrible when I am really the one who creates most of my stress and issues. So you'd think that after realizing this I would shut up and just live my life happily right? Wrong, I am but a stupid human, I'll never learn. I really just need to shut up and get some sleep so I can get to practicing tomorrow...
Goodnight xanga, I have missed you and am glad to be back. |
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| But if you think there's something else
Well you're right there is
Something else
But if you think I'm gonna tell you
Think again
Why should I even think of telling you what there is
Because silence is knowledge
And knowledge is power
I'm under explicit orders to dare not speak its name
No I dare not speak its name...
It's been a long time since i've felt this empty... |
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| I guess I really am finding out who my real friends are...
And what's really funny is that your surprised that I am upset... |
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| I have a lot on my mind right now.
And I thought that maybe I could write tonight.
But now that I am sitting here the only appealing thing to me is sleep.
Sleep seems to be a big part of my life lately.
I think that is how I escape from a lot of my problems, I start stressing and get tired so I just go to sleep.
But it is pretty late and I had a long trip back from Austin today so I think it's safe to say that my sleeping right now is not so much an escape as it is me just actually being tired.
Hopefully the juices will get to flowing here soon and I'll be able to sit and have a good chat with you xanga.
Oh we will see, but for now I am tired from the drive and cleaning my room.
So until next time xanga (which I think will be soon), until next time. |
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